


I Thought I Was Better

by Intempestivus



Category: Until Dawn (Video Game)
Genre: Comfort/Angst, Gen, Hallucinations, Josh Lives, Mental Health Issues, Schizophrenia, Wendigo Josh, exorJosh, he stopped taking his medications
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-06
Updated: 2015-12-06
Packaged: 2018-05-05 08:16:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,657
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5368091
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Intempestivus/pseuds/Intempestivus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It always seems like a good idea to go off your meds when you feel good, but when it starts to go downhill, it goes downhill fast.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Thought I Was Better

Josh’s hands shook. He swallowed, the saliva in his mouth feeling thick and foreign. He clenched and unclenched his jaw. He frowned and started to wave a hand up by his head as if he were swatting a fly but stopped himself. He threw a glance over to Chris, who was the only of his friends that had decided to stay up late with him, before frowning and swatting at nothing again.

“Josh?” Chris looked up from inspecting his glasses - the arm had given a rather worrying cracking noise under his goggles when he’d taken a tumble on the slopes earlier - quickly pushing them back onto his face. “What’re you doing?”

Snapping his head to where Chris was sitting, but his eyes not really focusing on his friend. “Nothing, nothing,” he said, voice just above a whisper. He couldn’t tell Chris. Chris didn’t need to be worried. _This is just from not sleeping, that’s all it’s from. That’s all it’s from, Josh._

Chris frowned, getting that crease in his forehead that Josh always teased him about, and he stared down Josh. When he swat away nothing again, and muttered something under his breath, Chris slid over to where Josh was sitting. “Something’s wrong, don’t bullshit me.”

His head swayed like it was full of liquid, sloshing every which way and making his head pitch heavy in the directions it moved. Josh refused to look Chris in the face for anything more than a second. “I just- I just- no, no, no…,” he repeated the word over and over under his breath. Josh looked down at his hands, frowning when he saw how they were shaking. He jerked his head a little to the side before tilting his ear up, still staring down at his hands. “I just, I don’t want- I can’t, no, no.”

He could hear his sisters. They told him that he failed; they accused him of not saving them, why didn’t he save them? _This is all your fault Josh. This is all your fault, why didn’t you save us? You wanted us to die, why did you want us to die?_

Chris felt cold wash over him. “Josh?”

Josh snapped his head to Chris, his eyes wide and glossy. It was only for a moment that he looked at Chris, before he focused just past him. His throat tightened, and the colour drained out of his face. “No, no, no, not again.” Josh jolted out of his seat, and stumbled toward the door. He twisted back to where he’d been staring, and his eyes got wider; his uncoordinated steps more urgent. He slammed into the door before he threw it open, his hands fumbling with the handle.

_Why didn’t you save us, Josh? You think that you can just leave us at Blackwood? You just left us there to die! You wanted us to die!_

“Josh!” Chris ran out after him, but stopped only a couple steps outside the door.

“Get away!” Josh screamed, “Get away from me!” He was standing in calf-deep snow, jerking his head and body around in a shoddy circle. “You- you’re not real; you’re dead!” He clawed at the short hair on his head, folding forward for a second before snapping up and jumping back. He fell into the crunchy, ice coated snow. “No! No, no, no, no! I’m sorry!” His face crumpled, and the tears that had glossed his eyes when he was inside fell down his cheeks. “Please! I’m sorry!” he sobbed, “I’m sorry!” He held his hands up to protect his face, his hands twitchy and arms shaking.

Chris finally snapped out of it, he finally realized that he wasn’t watching some act, and he ran out to Josh - not caring that he was barefoot. “Josh, Josh!” Chris reached for Josh’s hands, which grabbed back with trembling fingers. “Did you…,” the words died in Chris’ mouth - he knew that Josh didn’t like it when, the moment he had an issue, he was asked if he was taking his medications. Chris chewed on the inside of his lip, trying to sort out what he should say.

“Chris, Chris, oh god, they’re- they’re here,” Josh whispered, the urgency not lost in the lack of volume, “Please, not again, I thought this was over.” More tears fell, and his fingers tensed around Chris’ own with a shaky strength. He squeezed his eyes shut, whole face tensing in pain, and let out a whining noise. “I don’t want them here, I don’t want them here. I’m sorry, tell them I’m sorry.”

_Saying your sorry doesn’t excuse you. You’re the reason we died, it was all your fault - all your fault! It’s your fault!_

“Shh, Josh, it’s okay, it’s okay,” Chris awkwardly tried to comfort Josh. He pet Josh’s hands with his thumbs. “It’s not your fault.”

Shivers ran through Josh’s body - but it wasn’t from the cold. He choked on the cold air, gulping in too much at once. His chest hurt, whether from the cold, or the crying, or the fear, he didn’t know. “Why didn’t I save them? Why won’t they leave me alone? I’ve been so good, I’ve been so good.”

The cold had settled into Chris’ chest already, and he couldn’t imagine what kind of cold Josh could be feeling. _Though,_ Chris thought, _maybe having a bit of the wendigo curse makes him more resilient?_ Chris shivered. It didn’t matter if Josh wasn’t feeling the cold for any reason, he needed to get back inside. Since the trip, staying out in the dark, especially up in the mountains, terrified Chris. Sure, this was Whistler and not Blackwood but it still made him scared. “C’mon, Josh, we gotta get back inside. It’s cold out here.” Chris bit the inside of his lip again. “We have some of your emergency medications,” he whispered, almost not saying it at all.

Josh’s mouth hung open, showing what remained of his needle-like wendigo teeth. He swallowed, tears making their last cold run down his face, before nodding just a tiny bit. He couldn’t keep his eyes just on Chris, them jumping to stare behind his friend more often than he focused on him.

Chris pulled Josh up out of the snow and quickly led him back into the lodge. Without letting go of Josh, Chris walked through the lodge to the room that he and Josh were sharing for the trip. He sat Josh down on the bed closest to Josh’s bag and started to rummage through it.

Josh had gotten quiet. He was staring to the side, mouthing words but not making any noise.

 _Shit, shit this isn’t good_ , Chris’ thoughts shot through his head at a blinding rate, _Where the fuck are they? Where the fuck?_ Finally, after tearing all of Josh’s clothes out of the bag, Chris found the plastic bag that held the silver packaged pills. “Josh?” Chris shook his head, he had to be concrete when Josh was in this state. “Josh. I have your emergency meds, you’re going to take them, yeah?”

Unfocused, teary eyes tried to focus on Chris, when that didn’t quite work out, Josh attempted a nod. It was loose and looked like Josh’s head was too heavy for his neck with the way it flopped forward and jerked slightly up.

“Okay, hand out.” Chris tore open one of the silver squares, almost dropping the powdery, light yellow pill as he did. He handed the olanzapine to Josh.

Josh placed it on his tongue and rubbed his tongue against the roof of his mouth to help it dissolve quicker. Chris wouldn’t try to drug him, Josh was sure. Almost as soon as that thought crossed his mind, the voices of his sisters were in his ears telling him that Chris is just trying to poison him. He was trying to poison him and Josh was just letting him do it. If the pill hadn’t already dissolved, Josh would’ve spat it out. “What was that?” his voice was shaky, but suspicious. “What did you give me?”

“Your emergency meds, Josh.” Chris had confusion tense his features - didn’t they just go over this? - before the realization washed over him. “Josh, it’s from your bag. You saw me open it in front of you.”

Josh brought his thumb up to chew on the tip. His sharp teeth made short work of the flesh on his finger, and he soon had blood dripping down his hand and chin.

Chris gently grabbed onto Josh’s hand and pulled it down, holding it between both of his own hands. “Josh, we just have to wait until it kicks in. I have confidence that you can make it.”

They sat there for ten minutes, Josh letting out the odd chittering noise when Chris moved his hands. Josh’s fingers relaxed a little, and his eyelids felt heavy. “Chris?” his voice sounded lazy and slurred to Josh, but he couldn’t come up with enough effort to care, “Chris, I’m tired.”

“That’s good,” he said, voice soft and trying to be calming, “That’s a good thing, Josh. Are you still seeing or hearing anything?”

Josh shook his head, his shoulders moving with the exaggerated movement. “No, they’re not here.” With his free hand, Josh wiped at his eyes. “I’m just tired.”

“Lie down, you’re supposed to sleep with these.” Chris stood up from where he’d been kneeling in front of Josh. He stretched his sore legs for a moment before trying to get Josh to settle on the bed.

“No, no,” Josh said, “I… c-can I sleep in the living room? I don’t want them to get me.”

“Okay.” Chris didn’t bother to say anything else, there wasn’t any point in arguing, and as long as Josh wasn’t freaking out and was getting some sleep, Chris didn’t care where they were. He gathered up a blanket and a pillow, shoved them under his arm, and gently grabbed Josh’s hand. “C’mon, sleep time.”


End file.
